We can't get out of the bedroom so help me get out of this dress

A common theme: the Madonna or the whore. 

This dichotomy of female personalities is seen in the everyday expectations of women and their eligibility: 

"I want a lady in the street, but a freak in the bed" 

"Prude" "Slut." 

A girl can't win. There is no grey area allowed for her to balance out her sexuality. What I didn't realize was the connection within the actual history of Hollywood. Sure, we can attribute modern day movies as the cause that separates these two kinds of women, but it goes back further. It started with the need to appeal to the greater audience, the male audience, and thus moved to sex. During the 1980-90s the trend was the unsuspectingly intelligent unconventional beauty who steals the heart of the boy away from the sexy high school biatch when she's given a makeover...and consequently promotes the idea that it was her hidden PHYSICAL beauty that made her worth attention rather than the subdued phenomenal personality and brains. What exacerbates this situation is that the best friend of the girl who loved her from the beginning for who she was, never ended up being the hero, that went to the hot popular jock because values! (Although I'll give it to American Pie because they not only had a sex-pot foreign exchange student who was actually kind, as well as an honest and well-spoken horny band geek...and a mature older woman with a healthy libido so at least while everyone wanted sex, they had a personality to go with it.)  But the idea that you have to choose between being sexy or intelligent goes back to Golden Age of Hollywood- even before the 40s and 50s. Characters were given a specific passion to flesh out the personality, but it was never an even balance, it was one or the other:

You're powerful, or you're sexy.

Why is it that we pigeon-hole so many characters? Mainly female... Why is it that they can't be smart and horny? Women, like men, are animals after all. Maybe it's because there is power in these negative words. They're insults and whoever wields them can stand tall knowing they're alpha. But what if we embraced these words? Or eradicated them? What if we take the power away from these stigmas? There is nothing wrong with having casual sex with whomever you want- just be safe about it. There is nothing wrong about wanting to save sex for someone you truly care about- just don't hold too much importance on that one interaction. There is nothing wrong with following your own path and your own bodily desires- just don't judge others for being different or wanting different things.

Maybe if we admitted that every person has an individual sense of sexuality and we actually reflected this in our personifications and conversations, there would be more diverse, realistic, and inspirational characters that come forward both in Hollywood and in Washington. Women shouldn't be shamed for wanting a political career instead of a life at home, or visa versa. Women shouldn't be shamed for wanting both. There's a lot of negativity that is spread because someone, mostly the patriarchy of days past and modern misogynists, want to be in power, but what happens if we get rid of the platform they are standing on? What happens when we take away their influence by changing the way we think? Soon, that way of thought becomes the minority and consequently impotent and irrelevant.

"Human beings in a mob
What’s a mob to a king?
What’s a king to a god?
What’s a god to a non-believer?"

There is only power in something if you let there be. Words and ideas only have influence if you let them. So don't you let them...

Put you in Your Place: the Grey Area

So here's something I never understood: Revenge.

Maybe I was just raised on the eye-dea (get it? You will....) that and "eye for an eye makes the world blind," so I saw revenge as something harmful to all involved. I can't be the only one that feels this way...

Well I read an article on Black Girl Dangerous that irked me.

"One of my favorite scenes in all of Beyonce’s new videos is in “Partition” when she drops that napkin just so that white woman has to pick it up. I read it as an incredible moment wherein a powerful black woman flips the script on white women who are constantly trying to put her in “her place” and in one subtle movement puts them in theirs. And I am all for black women pushing back against white feminist nonsense. But it should not happen at the expense of a black feminism that includes keeping our critical lens focused, not just on white women and others who would seek to tear us down, but also on our idols and ourselves."

First of all, I actually do agree with her on some points of the article, mainly this:

"Adiche quotes a dictionary definition of a feminist as “a person who believes in the social, economic and political equality of the sexes.” This seems to be Beyoncé’s way of declaring herself a feminist. I like the quote, I think it’s important, and I’m really glad it’s there. That said: I think it sets the bar just a bit too low. I would argue that, with all due respect to the dictionary, that definition is lacking in one very important sense. I would add:

…and who is able to look at the world with a critical eye so as to be able to identify those times and places where that equality is not present.""

Feminism is just the idea that men and women are equal; that humans are equal. She does a lovely job at explaining this and defending Beyonce and her beliefs because of it. HOWEVER, she crosses a line that limits "white feminists" to racists. Pretty much plain and simple. She believes that somehow every white feminist has forgotten about women of color. Yet this is an unfounded prejudice that hurts not only those of us who constantly recognize our own privilege and fight against it, but more so it hurts feminism and sisterhood. Not all of us "white feminists" think this way. We aren't all selfish enough to forget the terrible history that our ancestors put their fellow women through. Not only that, but Mia also assumes that all of those who criticized Beyonce for her questionable feminism were white, which is a HUGE assumption. She speaks as if there is some giant schism between those with different melatonin levels. As if it's a conspiracy that white women can't handle having a woman in power just because she's black. What about the women who are half-white and half-colored? Where do they fit into this theory?  They can't. Because she has created an ultimatum and has forced them to chose a side. Are you a white feminist or a feminist of color?

Feminism is about women. It's about men. It's about co-existing. Yes, race definitely plays into privilege and leading lives day to day, but pigeon holing all white women and demonizing them only causes a race war. We are sisters on this Earth. We are here to band together and be strong. If you accuse all "white feminists" of trying to tear you down, you aren't fighting against the patriarchy, you're fighting against those who are trying to help you but you are in fact prejudice against because of your own assumtions. Power doesn't come from flipping the script on white women and putting them in their place, that's just revenge which ends up hurting everyone. Power doesn't stem from stepping on others. Or maybe it does. But EQUALITY, does not. Equality is a result of mutual respect and consideration. What she's talking about does not seem like feminism to me, it seems like revenge from someone who is angry and feels they need to be honored and compensated for the terrible misdeeds that have been done to others before them.

I can't deny that I have grown up with white privilege. However, it is not fair to accuse me of constantly trying to put women of color in their place. I was not born in the 1950s or the 1800s. I understand how cruel my ancestors were. But rather than punishing me for it and taking revenge, how about we grow past that. You don't have to forgive my forefathers who were slave owners, I don't even forgive them for that. However, I am different. My friends are different. Modern day white feminists are different...or at least some of them are. We aren't the same as those in the past and we aren't the same as each other. Don't assume we are all forgetful, ignorant, or selfish. It's unfair to us, it's unfair to you, and it's unfair to the cause that should be bringing us together.

Be powerful. Be commanding. But be mindful. Not everyone is trying to hurt you. Don't pigeon hole a group because of a few critical people. That's how stigmas are created. Not all men are misogynists. Not all white women are racist. Nothing is black and white. Not even our skin.

Valentine's Day Massacre

So this is a little late, about two weeks late, but only because my brain and heart were so pregnant with ideas, frustration, and slight contempt for ignorance; so thank you for joining me on this momentous occasion that is the birth of yet one more blog post.

Valentine's Day. 

A day of love. A day to celebrate those who bring joy to your life. But mostly a day for everyone to complain about high expectations, disappointments, failed romances, and how the card and candy companies use this day to sell merchandise while simultaneously alienating those who are single. We're all aware that February 14th is actually just "Single Awareness Day," but what you may not have realized, like I apparently hadn't, is that feminists have a war against Valentine's Day.

Okay, not really. I'm not going to even attempt to be sarcastic in this post for fear that some misguided and confused soul would think I'm being serious. It's not the first time that would've happened...

Our story begins with a conversation. I asked was if he was doing something special with his wife. Then:

Him: "Valentines is a fake holiday"

Me: "With good intentions" 

Him: "Eh that's arguable. I didn't think someone like you would be in support of that."

Stop. Pause. Hold up a second. Someone like me? Someone like me is in support of the good intentions of Valentines Day? WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!

"A feminist. Like a real feminist"
 
M: "...a feminist cant celebrate Valentines Day?"
H: "Usually they trash its values as something that should just be a daily occurrence."
M: "First of all, feminists are all different..."

The dreaded word "They." The word that lumps every person who calls themselves a "Feminist" into a destructive, power-hungry, man-condemning cult. "They" which attributes a series of beliefs of a supposed "all" unto every individual. Taking a whole "Ism" and stereotyping, not just a stranger, but a friend. Flat out disregarding and dismissing what he's experienced everyday with me and STILL expecting and assigning negative connotations to my personality purely based on a stigma.

(Side note, while showing affection should occur daily, it's ridiculous to condemn a holiday based in dedicating EXTRA time to celebrate love in a special manner.)

So let's get back to the content: Because I'm a Feminist, I can't and won't support the holiday that celebrates love, mutual respect, romance, and sexual consent? No, that's not Feminist one bit (sorry, couldn't resist the sarcasm in the end...) Look, I understand that February 14th has become a holiday seemingly less about the meaning of love and more about consumerism, but it doesn't have to be. Just like every other holiday, the individual makes it special in their own way. Feminists don't trash anything except for inequality, and they especially don't trash the idea of loving others. In fact Feminists have taken Valentine's Day and claimed it as their own:

V-Day

"V-Day is a global activist movement to end violence against women and girls. V-Day is a catalyst that promotes creative events to increase awareness, raise money, and revitalize the spirit of existing anti-violence organizations. V-Day generates broader attention for the fight to stop violence against women and girls, including rape, battery, incest, female genital mutilation (FGM), and sex slavery."

Furthermore, Eve Ensler's The Vagina Monologues are annually performed encouraging women to love their vagina's and themselves.

Continuing on....

Him: "I'm all for the fact that feminism celebrates the day as something different, that's pretty much what I'm saying. You don't need to show me articles to prove that"
Me: "It's not entirely different though- it still celebrates love, sexuality, and romance, but it enlarges it to include platonic and familial relationships as well as using it to promote mutual respect and consent. So "someone like me" would in no way "trash" Valentines day."
Him: "Trashing what it has become is a thing whether or not you want to believe and that's nothing bad. When i say trash it, I just mean they criticize it heavily and call out the bullshit on it because its stupid."
Me: "But they don't...PEOPLE criticize Valentines day for consumerism, but Feminists use it as a holiday to celebrate all forms of love. Of course there are exceptions within Feminism because it is an "Ism" and not everyone agrees, but V-day is a HUGE thing among the international Feminist community and that's where you're misunderstanding."

(By the way this conversation was copy and pasted word for word. Sorry for the invasion of privacy mysterious friend.)

So let me explain something. The reason why I am writing this is not just to educate about Valentines/ V-day, but more importantly to show how stereotypes are spread based on misunderstandings and false attributions of character. Those who condemn Valentine's Day CAN be Feminists, but they don't have to be. Those who are Feminist CAN condemn Valentine's Day, but they don't have to. There is no reason anyone should be surprised to find that "someone like me" supports a holiday that not only celebrates love but has actually extended it to include loving others, loving who you are, and physically loving yourself. (As in love your partner, love your personality, and learn to love your penis/vagina). 

And while some feminists do reject Valentine's Day because it establishes "gender binaries" and "traditional gender roles" thus supporting the patriarchy, there is MUCH MUCH MORE to consider. 

(Also I would like to note that this card is actually from an Anti-Feminist blog that ASSUMES this is what "someone like me" thinks.)

As a feminist, I admit that there are those more extreme than myself, and I do see where traditionally Valentine's Day falters, but there is no reason why it can't transcend these customs and be celebrated between friends or couples (heterosexual or homosexual). It's a holiday about love. It may be advertised as a holiday for husbands to do something for their wives, but it can just as easily be celebrated in equality if embraced in that way. Rather than rejecting, condemning, and spreading hate, we should adapt, change, and take charge of how we live our own lives. Make Valentine's Day your own, not what you think it's meant to be. Don't fall into the stereotype, and don't let stereotypes affect how you live.

With that, there is NO EXCUSE for attributing stigmas and negative connotations to Feminism (or any Ism/belief system) ESPECIALLY if you have not done your research. Furthermore, even if you have done your research, DO NOT assume that just because a few people believe in something means that ALL people of the same "Ism" believe the same. This goes for every religion, gender, sex, ethnicity, culture, nationality, so on so forth. Stop the hate. Stop the ignorance. Stop the judgement. Stop and look around. Observe, learn, read, explore, and come to understand that most hate is based in misunderstanding, lack of education, and the inability to listen.

Do the world a favor, and reconsider your negative stereotypes.